Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The one with the yardstick

Photo by Brave Heart


I haven't been much in the holiday mood, and had even started a post about that. As my dear departed mother used to say, "If you can't say anything nice... go b*tch at someone else!" Okay, she didn't really say that, but I bet she thought it. A look around blogland tells me that this funk is affecting more than a few this year.

So I wasn't feelin' this whole festive season stuff. I'm on a diet to lose some a lot of weight, so baking is out, although I thought about baking some gingerbread men and then breaking their heads off, but decided that was a bit meaner than I actually feel. I'm hoping that things will get better once Almost Grown and Not Quite Grown get home next week.

This is where the yardstick comes in. Penny from sewtakeahike was kind enough to join my Pay It Forward Handmade. Then I got an email from her, saying she was sending ME something! Cool, a PIF victim that doesn't understand how it is played and is going to shower me with stuff!

The package arrived today! And in it, was the yard stick!



It is a stick about 7 inches long with a note attached, that reads:

"This is a yard stick. I found it in my yard. It has many uses!! You kin measure the gas in the mower, play catch with the old hound, stir yer coffee, threaten the kids with it, scratch where it itches, ward off a crook, you kin even start a fire with it. But whatever you do, don't put it back in my yard, it's yer yardstick now!"

How cool is that?!? DH and I were cracking up, especially since the yard stick came in bubble wrap!

Penny said that when she saw it, she thought of me immediately. I'm assuming she saw it at a craft fair or something, but I guess she also could have seen it in her yard! I'm not exactly sure why she thought of me, Was it the greyish color? The lumps and bumps on it? Or the fact that she knew I would just love it!

To top it off, Penny send some cool notecards with the letter "L" on them. (Psst! For Lisa!)



Thank you, thank you, Penny! It's beginning to feel more like Christmas around here! I know in my heart that it is better to give than receive, but dang! Getting a gift is pretty neat too! I think I'm going to put in on my Christmas tree...right next to the headless gingerbread man!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Trying to get caught up!

This is a bed. A what?

Okay, a bed covered in clean laundry!

Oh, a bed!

Sunday from Singapore: Ten things I miss about the USA

A little whiny, I know. Sorry!

7/25/2001

1) I miss Target. My big, wonderful, well-stocked Target store. Home of linens and kitchenware and discount racks and toiletries. I miss being able to buy a large plastic bowl for popcorn quickly and cheaply. This, and a dustbin (trash can) larger than a thimble are my current Holy Grails. I also miss Walmart, but won't say so in case some of you are tempted to flame me for shopping there.



2) I miss off-the-rack clothing in sizes larger than Calista Flockhart squeezes into. Want to have some fun? Try asking a midget sales clerk for a bra in European size 90 and let the laughs begin!

3) I miss Fat Burger and Krispy Kremes and meal-sized salads, and I miss McDonald's Large Diet Cokes!!

4) I miss air conditioned public restrooms. Got desperate while out shopping today and had to avail myself of the cleanest toilets I could find. They were clean, but even under refrigeration, you must admit they can be odoriferous. With aroma-enhancing heat and humidity, well, let's say no more. I should share that in most public restrooms there is at least one stall that requires a step up. The reason becomes clear if you aren't watching where you step.

Some cultures prefer a toilet known locally as a squatter, which consists of a regular toilet bowl that has been mounted flush (get it?) with the floor, hence the elevated platform. It's like a glorified latrine, without a seat. For those of you desperate enough and coordinated enough to squat over a porcelain hole without falling over, you are good to go. For those of us who are more concerned with squeezing through the door with our packages than to paying attention, you just might twist your ankle in a most revolting manner.

The bathroom I was in today didn't have a squatter, rather a sign imploring those who would be disappointed at the lacking accommodations, to please refrain from standing upon the existing toilet seat in order to adapt to the situation.

5) I miss light switches that flip up to turn on and down to turn off. I also miss having those switches conveniently located inside the bathroom, instead of shutting myself into a dark room and having to leave again to illuminate the room. In a similar vein, I miss door locks that turn towards the jam to lock and away from it to unlock. I'm sure the neighbors who have listened to my blue streak wish this too.

6) I wish there were more than two access numbers for AOL here, and that the service was faster than Grandma Sincere in a 10K marathon.

7) I miss Joann's ETC and their $1.99 pattern sales. Also fabric sold by the yard and in widths of so many inches.



8) I miss heading out for some shopping and not worrying about how much I buy, 'cause I have a van and it can hold everything. I wish I had more hands here.

9) I miss being able to wear a dress all day without having to worry about developing jungle rot where my thighs rub together in the heat. I also miss having thighs that don't touch!

10) I miss hanging out with the homeschool group at the park and gym.

But mostly, I miss making phone calls to friends and family at the end of the day when I'm winding down, but recognize that y'all aren't too chatty at 4 AM. Thank God for the difficult-to-get-on, painfully slow internet that lets me core-dump my life to you regardless of the hour. And thank God for friends like you!

Missing you... Lisa

Friday, December 7, 2007

Cherry Mistmass

Photo by dearbarbie

Okay... I have done exactly no holiday decorating. Even the tree is still in it's box down in the shop. I haven't done my shopping, and crafting seems to have fallen by the wayside (and down the hill, into the creek...without a paddle!) I am having trouble getting *into the mood*, so I decided to do some baking, and drinking, instead. Here's the recipe:

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try
another cup .. just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor…

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsist icity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo
and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Author also unknown, but must be related to the Carol creator!
Oh, and don't call me anytime schoon. I'm still lickin' the beaterers.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Christmas Carols for the Mentally Ill

photo by Jakob Lodwick

Just for fun, no offense intended


1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells of Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiance Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus...So I Burned the House Down

13. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Author unknown but obviously has some issues!

Back from College

I survived four days back in college! I don't know how I made it through the first time. Maybe I was smarter then than I am now!

I traipsed off cross country when Almost Grown got word that she would have to start her thesis over or risk getting an "F." And it's due Dec 10th! Not the words any student, or tuition paying parent wants to hear! I figured I had to protect my investment and ensure my future care by said child, so I hauled it off to provide "moral" support to the effort.

Along the way, I spent a night back in Las Vegas because, well, you just can't get to where I was going from the farm in one day without killing yourself. But I got to stay the night and visit a bit with Awesome Ann!

Awesome Ann at our favorite hangout... IHOP! Hi, Ann!

Off to the freezing Pacific Northwest where I became, in the words of Almost Grown, the "Master of Her Existence." Also, research assistant and editor extraordinaire, but who's counting! I determined when she slept, ate, kissed her boyfriend (very satisfying power!) Seriously, I haven't had this much power over her life since...well never! In truth, my job was to provide mommy snuggles and help little miss ADD to *ground* herself and remain on task.

Almost Grown, allowing me to take a picture, but only after I threatened to post a baby picture featuring a naked and sand covered bottom! Notice the container of chocolate covered coffee beans on the table.

Could it be that the build up of trash in her room was contributing to a cluttered mind? Let it go, Mom.


One of the highlights of my trip was to find the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile parked at my hotel!
Bad nighttime photo.

Yes! There were wieners staying at the same hotel! You know, my dream job was always to drive one of these babies! Can you believe that at (ahem) almost 50, they think I'm too old for the job! Doesn't immaturity count for something?!? I even tried to buy a retired vehicle years ago, but, alas, they are not available for resale at your local car dealership. *Sigh*

So, the trip was exhausting, but successful. Almost Grown went from about 6 pages to 26 pages of mostly useable stuff. And I got to see and snuggle her (it's been too long) and the return trip provides me with more hateful things to add to my list of air travel complaints. Except, I just don't care! It's over!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Sundays from Singapore: Adventures on the MRT

Orchard Road, the main shopping street.

7/24/2001

Had a very busy day today, learning to ride the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) subway. And ride we did! Today, I wanted to show the girls how they would get around to the shopping they might want to do, so we headed out for the free trolley at the mall across the street. It is a cute little trolley, the interior being wood paneled with stained glass transoms. A bit like SF cable cars. I, of course, stood poised at the right hand door, ready to beat the locals at their own push-and-shove game, only to have the left side door open. Drat! I would have to exit on that side to hit the sidewalk instead of becoming roadkill, and had to hustle to get on. The trolley waits for no moron!

After alighting at the Marriott, we made our way through the pedestrian underpass to the MRT station. Wisely, I had read up in the expat handbook that I needed to buy a transit pass to ride either the MRT or the buses. These people don't trust just anyone with cash, so even using a public phone requires a prepaid card, which can't be bought anywhere near where you are.

Smugly, I waited my turn in the queue to buy the passes, and felt superior to the poor schlepps who only wanted to buy a day tourist pass or a one-way fare. That, I knew, had to be purchased at a separate machine, which only accepts $2 bills and coins. with cards in hand, we headed for the platforms.

I have to bless the government of Singapore. If I had been in France, I would have been jostled and smooshed to death trying to determine where to go and how to stand, all the while being pummeled with insults I couldn't understand.

Here, a large color-coded map showed the routes, and advised one to note the final destination for the direction you wanted to travel, It was even kind enough to remind the hapless traveller to "get off at your intended stop." Thank you! With only 2 directions on this particular line, was sure I could do this, and show my children how savvy I am.

The turnstiles are like those in Washington DC, sucking in your card, opening the stile, and spitting out your card once you have passed through. They even tell you how much money is left on your card!

Riding the subway was a pleasant, easy and clean mode of transportation. We rode 1 stop to the south to go to the post office, 5 stops back to retrieve the phonebooks of gold, and 4 stops back home again.

News stand in Holland Village, a quirkier more local venue.

Lim's in Holland Village... great treasures, gifts and furniture.

I've decided that the postal system is one part convenient, but the rest is simply hateful. The convenient part is that no matter where I want to send a letter outside of Singapore, it's $1S. Cool. I'll buy stamps. The hateful part is multifaceted.

To start with, I can get my mail delivered to my box downstairs, That's good. Sometime during the day, a truck pulls in and tosses the mail bags overboard. Later on, a guy on a scooter comes by and sorts it into the proper boxes by wadding up and cramming the letters through the little swinging slots in the box. You can tell who is not at home, because their mail is sticking out of the box like the hair on "Wilson" in the movie "Cast Away." Nothing like getting your bills and having them look as if an orangutan has dragged it through the jungle on its was to you. Maybe I should mash and stomp on the outgoing stuff, too, just so it's even.

The envelopes here either open at one short end (kinda cool, maybe I can be like Johnny Carson and rip the end off and blow into it!) or it opens on a long side, but on the bottom! Turn over a piece of business mail, and the smaller flap is on the bottom. How do they load the paper in and tamp it down before sealing? Do they slide it in, then jerk up sharply and hope it settles in place before gravity takes it's toll? I'll have to see if there is an instruction manual for this somewhere.

The there is the issue of outgoing mail. There isn't a slot in the group box for it. What? Turns out, you have to march yourself down to the post office if you want to send something. Remember when I said that I crossed the street, took the trolley, bought the MRT card and travelled 1 stop to the post office?? Bingo! The newspaper reports the postal system (there's probably a Minister of Mail somewhere) is bemoaning the fall off in business as a result of email and Short Messages on the handphones (cell phones.) I bet they can't figure the problem out, either.

As for me, I will continue to email, pay my bills online, and toss out the Christmas cards. I never get around to sending them out, I just keep buying more and thinking I'll start earlier. I must have 15 years worth of the things.

Tonight, I will tackle the phone books, widely regarded as a wealth of information. There are three of them; the residential white pages (don't need much there...i don't know anyone,) the yellow business pages (could be hepful), and the also- yellow buying guide. Does this mean i can't buy from businesses that aren't in that one? Also included was a small book on police procedures and practices. Hummmm.

Good night all, and happy reading.

Lisa