Monday, November 22, 2010

My new love

It's okay... Stud Muffin has been informed and has reluctantly accepted it.

When the doctor "suggested" (those should be air quotes) that I might want to lower my triglycerides by avoiding anything with fructose in it and increasing foods that are good for clearing triglycerides, I took to the Internet. Well, after I stomped around the house loudly proclaiming that it WASN'T FAIR and didn't the cholesterol gods recognize that I had lost 30 pounds lately?!?

Anyway, fructose. It's in EVERYTHING sold on a supermarket shelf except fresh foods and ingredients that require you do something with them to turn them into FOOD. It's in stuff that tastes sweet, stuff that tastes salty, stuff that doesn't taste like anything at all, and definitely anything that tastes GOOD.

Then there is the food that is supposed to help reduce cholesterol and triglycerides in particular. That includes everything that tastes like sauteed cow pies (don't ask) and is nothing fit for human consumption. Most people know that oatmeal is good for lowering cholesterol, but if it isn't in the form of a cookie with chocolate chunks, I'm not eating it! I might add it to the bath water or make a facial mask out of it (yeah, right! Me having a facial?? *Snort*) but it isn't passing my lips!

About to give up and resign myself to dying alone and without cookies, I determined to try some of the greens mentioned in the articles. I am not a fan of cooked greens, but I will eat almost anything in a salad. Mustard and collard greens didn't seem too promising, but I did find a way to eat kale without cooking it into something resembling something out of the bottom of a fish tank.

Raw kale salad. How simple is that?? A couple of articles mentioned that kale is a bit difficult to digest and is stiff enough to stucco a house with, but I did find some helpful information on overcoming this drawback. So here comes the salad preparations. Ready?

Get yourself some kale. Go for the dark green stuff, not the yellowish stuff. Or, if you are like me and have limited shopping venues, you take what you can get and be thankful.

Anyway, after you strip the curly kale leaves from the stem (don't eat this part!), give it a rinse and a spin.

Then, and here is the key to eating kale raw, massage it in a bowl with a sprinkle of salt and a drizzle of olive oil.

Go ahead and really work the knots out of it's muscles (and ignore the world's puffiest looking hand...yikes!) Slap it on the bootae once or twice for good measure until it is slightly wilted and glistening. On the plus side, your oil is already on the salad, and your hands get a nice moisturizing too!

Add some other lettuce so they don't feel left out, splash with balsamic vinegar then top with whatever floats your boat.

On mine I put some sliced marinated steak (slightly warmed), chopped teardrop tomatoes, feta cheese and croutons. Yes, I know the croutons have fructose, but a GIRL'S GOTTA LIVE!

Arrange nicely on a plate and take a picture. Then throw it back into the mixing bowl, because who are you kidding?? You aren't nearly graceful enough the eat a big salad from a plate without spilling it! Better to eat straight from the trough than embarrass yourself in front of the dogs (who hope that you use the plate!)

Ah. My love! You are tasty and have enough body to stand up to Shiatsu massage and not turn to squish. You will put me on the path to health, vim and vigor, and whatever else the doctor insists I need. I am quite giddy with having made your acquaintance. Let's hang out frequently...k?

Oh, and if you could talk to fructose when you get a chance. I really need it to get out of some food, any food. Well, any food that tastes good. It can go into oatmeal for all I care.


Cheryl said...

Poor thing...You've resorted to eating slat with your kale...and I just checked my chocolate...No fructose!


Lisa said...

Smart a$$! Okay, it's fixed. And yes, I know that chocolate and other things don't have fructose, but I'm supposed to watch all sugars for my blood glucose, but the fructose is for the triglycerides specifically.

Cheryl said...

A previous boss used to print out and correct everyone's work write up with a red pen like a want to be English teacher. We were all together on a business trip when one of our colleague's rental car was stolen. While the officer took down the report another colleague said (in front of our boss)..."Hey does your captain correct your reports in RED?" It was classic...

JCMurray said...

I also like taking the kale after cutting up like that and quickly sauteing in a fry pan (use oil or water), It doesn't take long, makes it easier to chew, and other veggies can be added.

vegas angie said...

Forget the kale and try some drug to help monitor those triglycerides.

MarmiteToasty said...

it looks like something I would mix up for me chickens lmfao

checking for fructose now in everything I buy, fanks for that, like I aint got enough to do ;)