Thursday, May 31, 2012

Things I've learned from living in the country

1.  If your (dirty)  dog is hopping around barking at a shrub, and the shrub is hissing, you don't want to stick your face or hands in there to investigate.  (Don't worry, no people or animals were hurt, but underpants might have gotten slightly damp.)

2.  Similarly, if the same dog comes to you and is buzzing, make him open his mouth and let the bee go.

3.  Once your dog gets a taste of nasty foam-producing frogs, he will bite them every. single. time. (Seriously, what is wrong with this dog?!?)

4.  No matter how many protective clothes you wear out picking blackberries, the redneck mosquitoes will still manage to bite you on the boob, your armpit, and/or your a$$ crack.  Then you can be really classy scratching your private parts while out in public!

5.  If you don't wear a complete Hazmat suit while picking blackberries, you will get eaten by chiggers and want to die.

6.  If you plant it, they will come.  And by "they", I mean bugs, squirrels, stray dogs, birds, any kind of food-stealing fauna.

7.  If your neighbors have cows, they will eventually, and repeatedly, end up in your yard.  Eating what you planted.  See above.

8.  If a restaurant opens near you that serves the very best onion rings EVER, your children will move home!

9.  Some restaurants think the bathroom experience is to be intimately shared.  (I'm still trying to figure this one out.)

10.  If you want to wake up every morning enjoying the peace and beauty outside your front door, you'll move to the country!

Monday, May 28, 2012

My crazy life

I've been gone so long from this blog, I think I'm a different person. Certainly older and dustier! I kinda lost my mojo on the Hawaii posts for now, but I will give you the Top 10 rundown of what has been happening lately.

 1. It's hot. Crotch-pot cooking kind of hot. Like almost 100 degrees yesterday.

 2. Daughter Liz moved back to Tennessee from Nevada and brought her evil twin cat Tabitha. I made a sign to greet them at the airport.

Tabitha didn't enjoy the trip in the pink bag too much, but she thanked me for the sign!

This has been a big project for Liz...getting rid of most of her worldly possessions and mailing the rest home in boxes. The mailman and the UPS guy both hate me now.

Liz's writing about the experience in She's Gone Country.

3. I cut back on working this summer to help Liz find an apartment near Memphis once she got a job. Okay, the EPA was also complaining about the dust buffaloes in my house affecting the local air quality, but I think they are exaggerating! Anyway, she got a great job about 30 seconds after arriving home and now we are trying to find or make furniture since none of hers fit in the mailing boxes. More on this later, (Trust me. Yeah, right!) but here is the headboard we made from a screen:

The mattress had just been delivered.  Usually she has sheets too!

 4. Fourteen cows and a donkey escaped the neighbor's property and decided to mow my lawns. Liz was fascinated but prayed they wouldn't attack her.
(Me photographing Liz photographing cows.)

(This one is just an a$$)

(Defending the garden with the buggy.)

The cows chewed grass, left calling cards where I could step in them and finally wandered off down my trail. The owner had find them in the woods at the back of the 192 acres and herd them home. It took hours.

 5. I've got a limited garden this year. Have I mentioned it's hot? I did manage to grow some iceberg lettuce and they actually formed heads.

Of course, now that it so hot (have I said this yet?), the lettuce tastes like rubber cement. Don't ask how I know that.

6. I woke up one night to the smell of something burning and found sparks shooting from the air conditioning unit in the laundry room. I didn't know if I should shoot it with the fire extinguisher, call the fire department, or just run screaming from house and hope the dogs could keep up.

I settled for turning the system off and calling my heating guy. One of the great things about living in the country is that service people will come out at all hours to fix stuff, and never charge a premium. It took until 3 AM to get the system up and running. Did I mention it is hot here?

7. I spend waaaayy too much time on Pinterest.

8. The great-landscaping-and-mulch project of last year continues. I am working on the walkway to my abandoned-and-forgotten shop.

9. I finally got to harvest some peaches before the critters stole them all. Maybe a dozen or so, but they were sweet and I felt like a real homesteader eating my own home-grown fruit.

10. There was a big-a$$ snake by my garage door who eventually slithered off into the backyard. I don't do snakes. And I may never go into the backyard again.
That's my life. There may be more posts before the turn of the century.

Please don't hold your breath.

Thank you.