Thursday, November 20, 2008

Beavers explained

For those of you city-slickers, and Marmy, who don't understand what I have against a cute little beaver, I will explain. (No, Stud Muffin, I will NOT explain my beaver to you! After 24 years of marriage, you already know!)

First off, beavers do not look like this:

Cartoon at

If Marmy were to have her way, the picture would look like this:

Photo by raincoaster,files,

I want you to notice how large this beaver is compared to the woman kissing it! Folks, beavers are a member of the RODENT family! You know, rats and such! And they multiply like rodents!

Beavers can chew down a forest full of trees in no time, in order to build large waterfront condos for themselves and their numerous offspring.

Photo by

They all want swimming pools and pool-side cabanas too, so they take even more trees to build damn dams to hold in water.

Photo by

Damming up a stream does a couple of bad things. First, it slows the flow of water downstream, allowing leaves and junk to accumulate. Plus, I don't get to watch the water flow and that p*sses me off!

Second, when the heavy rains inevitably come, water backs up behind the dam and overflows the stream banks. This in turn washes away the surrounding ground, taking my roads and bridges with it. This p*sses me off!

Then I have to sweet talk Stud Muffin into selling his beloved car in order to raise funds to hire someone with a bulldozer to come build me a new road. I have to do unspeakable wifely things to accomplish this (like cleaning and cooking) and this also p*sses me off!

Finally, I have no more money and am reduce to being my own day laborer moving mulch ALL SUMMER LONG, because I can't afford to stimulate the local economy and hire somebody stronger than myself to move all that &*%&^$#$ mulch. This really p*sses me off!

The only way to eliminate a beaver population, is, well, to eliminate the beavers! Dynamite is preferred, but a bazooka is acceptable. We are going to try and just taking out the Welcome sign and see if they will relocate to Marmy's house. Otherwise, more drastic measures will be taken!

Now you all know why I want the beavers gone. As much as I would like to "live and let live," rodents bigger than my dogs freak me out. Worse than fish.

So, no more talk about leaving the beavers alone.

Photo by


MarmiteToasty said...

ROTFLMRSSO!!!!!! Oh my hahahahaha oh christ, Im laffing so hard :)...

One, I had no idea just how big real beavers were, and I would never of thought that ginger haired people would blatantly try and bite the brain out of a beaver and then try and disguise it as a gentle kiss... I DONT THINK SO....

Ok, Ok, lesson learnt about beavers.... I would still LOVE to sit by their dam and have a watch of them before you blew them to kingdom come LOL


Anonymous said...

S. Muffin here.. Lisa, great post and right on target! Marmie, love your response! You are hereby invited to come and sit by our streams and watch Lisa's beaver anytime... Wait, no, that did not come out right. Oh well, you get the idea.

Lisa said...

Marmy~ You are welcome anytime to come sit by my dam, but if you want to see the beaver, you'll have to be out there late at night when they are awake (and buy me some drinks!)

angie said...

You're right, us city slickers had no clue. Yikes, you really do need to blow those little suckers to bits. You won't get any grief from me for killing the little bas*ards. PETA may be another story however.

Anonymous said...

HAHA! I had no idea your beaver was as big as my dog...hehe...that sounds bad. Love you, beaver murderer!

Intense Guy said...

I suddenly and finally understand why some folks don't like big beavers...Thanks for the education.

Lisa said...

Welcome Intense Guy! I've seen you over at Marmy's (where I am sending all my soon-to-be-dead beavers!)

Anonymous said...

that last picture is actually a sea otter!

Anonymous said...

beaver's were here first.
lets blow you to bits.

MarmiteToasty said...

Wow sounds like your old man is onto a promise of being blown LMFAO and we all know what that means lol hahahahahahahahaha


Lisa said...

I don;t know what with all the anonymous posts about the beavers! It's not Studly writing them.

I know the last one is an otter, but I couldn't get the beaver to pose, so I went with this one!

I don't know who wants to blow me to bits, but it must be someone who's never had to try and repair beaver damage before!

Susan said...

oh my god, that was the funniest thing I ever read, educational and funny! I live in New York City and I had no idea how big those freakin Beavers are!!! Thanks for the info....they do look like monster rats come to think of it...could luck on your mission.